This week, I’m excited to announce another Guest Blogger and friend of mine – Janelle Holden, President & Founder of The Gluten Free Life Coach. You can read more about her by scrolling to the bottom of this post – but be sure to read the article first, as Janelle shares some excellent advice on How to Be the Most Popular Person at the Potluck!
Last month my mother’s best friend spoke the six words I dread hearing the most at a potluck.
“I made this special for you!”
With a deep smile she delivered into my hands a “special” bowl of creamed corn bread casserole that had been made without dairy. I looked at the pretty concoction and noted it contained at least three other ingredients that I do not eat: Corn, wheat flour, and sugar.
I looked up and smiled.
“Thank you!” I said. “That’s really kind of you.”
And it was. Clearly, she had made an effort on my behalf because I have food sensitivities. She wanted to make me feel included in the gathering.
But, there was no way in hell I was going to eat that corn bread casserole. I would be sick for days if I ate even a small bite, and as much as I loved her, I wasn’t about to get sick to please her.
The tricky part was telling her that.
What Happened Next
At first I thought I could simply admire the dish from my place setting and not say a word. After all, I had given her thanks, hadn’t I? I didn’t really need to tell her that I wouldn’t be eating it. Maybe she wouldn’t notice I wasn’t eating it.
That hope was dashed the minute she pulled up a chair to sit next to me, and watched delightedly as everyone else oohed and aahed over the corn bread casserole she had made for them.
Meanwhile, I filled my plate with the beef stew and salad that I had helped my mother make earlier and tried to forget that my special dish existed.
In fact, I almost got away with it. It wasn’t until she was about to leave for home and noticed that my bowl hadn’t been touched that she and my mother confronted me.
“Kay made this special for you!” my mom said, giving me a look that said, “Don’t be rude!”
“Why didn’t you eat it?”
I took a deep breath and remembered what I advise my clients do in this situation: Tell the truth.
Why Telling the Truth is the Least Stressful, and Most Popular Option
Telling the truth is not the easiest choice. The easy choice would have been to look at my mother’s best friend straight in the eyes and say something like, “You know, I was just so full from the stew that I couldn’t eat a bite of it. It looks delicious though!”
Would she have believed it? Who knows, but a few years ago this was exactly what I would have done to save her from feeling bad.
I now know that we can’t save anyone’s feelings but our own. Other people get to decide how they want to feel. Every time. Hiding what’s really going on in our lives and our bodies only allows them to know the part of us we think they will really like. The part of us that always says yes and is agreeable and easy to be around. We can’t create a real connection or relationship by hiding our true selves.
So, I took a deep breath and said, “Kay, I really appreciate that you made this for me, but it looks like you made it with flour. Did you?”
She looked a little surprised and said yes, she had made it from a mix.
I nodded, “See, the thing is, if I ate this I would still get sick from the flour, and the corn, and probably from the sugar, so that’s why I didn’t eat it.”
Was it awkward? Yes.
Do I actually know how she felt about what I said? No.
But here’s the thing, I felt better for telling the truth, even if I was afraid of how she would react.
Many of my clients avoid social gatherings with food altogether to keep from having to say no, but getting comfortable with saying no and letting people feel how they want to feel when you say no can truly change your life and help you create real relationships that make you truly popular. It’s a gift not worth giving up.
Three good reasons to go to a potluck if you’re gluten-free
1. You get to share your favorite foods: I rarely eat someone else’s dish at a potluck, but I do enjoy bringing my own and watching people’s faces when I share that the dish is gluten-free, sugar-free, and all sorts of other foods-free. They look at me like I’ve done the impossible.
2. You learn how to say no in a safe environment: Practice makes perfect, and potlucks will give you lots of opportunities to say, “Thank you and no” to people. The more you do it, the better you’ll get at it.
3. Connection feels better than isolation: You are not an island, and as much as you try to protect yourself from the dangers of gluten or other allergens in the world, staying safe doesn’t have to mean staying put. Don’t punish yourself by being gluten-free. If you really want to be around other people, then go and focus on connecting with the other people who are there. Who knows – you might meet someone else who is gluten-free too!
Janelle Holden is president and founder of The Gluten Free Life Coach, a company dedicated to teaching smart people how to love what they eat so that they can look and feel their best. Janelle is an international coach, writer, and speaker based in Livingston, Montana. She empowers her clients to create a new relationship with food and their bodies and find meaning and purpose in life.
Janelle coaches people to health and well-being, offers gluten-free wellness retreats, and provides advice on living a gluten-free lifestyle. To get more great information from Janelle, just click here to grab a complimentary copy of her e-zine, “Gluten-Free Notes.”
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